By far the most important GIF in my life #coffee #tastelessmoonbar #depresso
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And now California seems so long ago. Your daydreamed-distant shores and half-unsecured utterances left a funny taste in my mouth like drinking that Hennessy your brother had gave me or like the first time we kissed after we first smoked weed. What was the point of all these memories ? What’s the point of saying you loved me when all you wanted to do was hate me. You saw anything you needed to fuel your rage and then say I am all you wanted. And now California is just another place stained with bad memories. I can’t ever go home because when you threw me out you made me runaway. In the end this is everything you wanted. The pain. The destruction. You just wanted to be the last word no matter the dismay. If I were of any consequence you would have never stayed for so long just to see my life fall apart. And now I can’t bear the thought that your most tender daydreams could happen without me holding you in my arms.
Lelah took tender breaths in of her 4th cigarette and said in a half smile something about the moon and a day dream. I sat beside her digesting every word as wondrously as every cup of coffee I make myself, in order to fill my chest with some kind of warmth. Just looking at her, I felt that same sensation and almost burned open my rib cage thinking about it too much. What cosmic forms had instructed stardust dust and carbon to dance so eloquently together into her eyes ? Fuck, she said something Id missed. I lost track of her words even though I savored every sound that pressed through her lips. “Do you think people are capable of doing anything truly meaningful. I mean can something like falling in love be the only goal in a person’s life which could give them a feeling of existential fulfillment? “ She asked and I turned red. I didn’t know what lead her to these questions but I had to answer her authentically. I didn’t want to just seem quasi-profound for spewing some cliche shit I knew most people would say. But I didn’t want to say anything too complicated either. I just wanted to watch the adorable faces she made as she spoke. Reluctantly I said, “ Ever since I was a kid I had trouble falling asleep. I would lay in bed at night and restlessly imagine all the amazing things that I could be doing, all the people I could be seeing, if I weren’t in bed. So I developed the bad habit of staying up until I was dog shit tired and wanted nothing more than to pass out. Most of the time I wouldn’t even do anything while being awake and then I’d regret being up for so long. The sun would rise and that became the only thing I knew was certain if I did or did not sleep. Nothing truly matters. The world happens regardless of our dreams or our feelings. It’s up to us to live in a way responsibly congruous with that impetus. But that’s easier said than done I can’t fucking sleep right to this day. I can’t fall in love right, either. I’m empty without my hopeless romanticness. So like an addict, I chase love with it always just 3 feet away from my reach. I come close often but I’m my heart I know I’ll never hold anything like love in my arms. It’s intangible. It’s like sleep. Some people get it right away or for others it either takes time or just doesn’t come. “ I looked up to the loon but didn’t find it. Lelah just stared off into the hills and finished her cigarette. “It’s getting late,” she said, “ people like us who need sleep the most rarely get it so easily. Like love I guess, too. And even when we do find it, when everything seems to have happened in a way that feels too good to be true, it is. No one can put their arms around true love and say this is mine. I will never loose it. People loose love the way we loose sleep. But we keep chasing, dont we?” We keep chasing, I said then left to fall asleep, having broken another night, having broken another person’s dreams.
